funny definitions related to engineering

Engineering College : Place where you are punished for getting good marks in high school.

Hopeless Practical : The practical in which there are no girls in our group.

Practicals : 90 minutes in which we watch the girls do our experiment, and usually destroy lab equipments.

Fresher : Guy who has to ask where the canteen is

Really Dumb Fresher : Guy who asks a senior where the canteen is.

Professor : Person paid to put students to sleep.

Lectures : Waste of time. Physical presence is a must: only meant for sleeping and completing assignments.

chemical engineering: rules of the lab

1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
2. Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
3. First draw your curves, then plot your data.
4. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
5. A record of data is essential, it shows you were working.
6. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
7. To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
9. If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to find a common middle.
10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
11. Do not believe in miracles---rely on them.
12. Team work is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
14. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it. (Law of Spontaneous Fission)

safety, by computer software engineers

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

“If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?”

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. He said, if our team is the software coder for the program then we all are safe as it is unlikely that it will even reach the runaway.

apple's siri thinks the nokia lumia 900 is the best smartphone ever

Is this the truth or Apple's software engineers screwed the Siri's code?

top ten things engineering school didn't teach you

Top Ten Things Engineering School didn't Teach You

1.  There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
2.  Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
3.  Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
4.  Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
5.  Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
6.  Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
7. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
8.  Always try to fix the hardware with software.
9.  If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
10.  Dilbert is not a comic strip, it's a documentary.

questions and answers about engineers

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?

A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?

A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?

A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?

A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?

A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

salary theorem

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts majors." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time.

Since: Knowledge = Power,

then Knowledge = Work / Time,

and Time = Money,

then Knowledge = Work / Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

blind golfers

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." 

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." 

The group was silent for a moment. Then the pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "You know, really, these guys could play at night."

Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

 1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten

 2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

 3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite

 4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

 5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

 6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

 7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

 8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

 9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao

 10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the raction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Q: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: None. They are all too busy trying to design the perfect light bulb.

A2: Only the one with the instruction manual.

A3: One. But she would insist that the way she did it was distinctive.

A4: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to hold the light bulb, and the third to interpret the Japanese text.

A5: Five. One to design a nuclear-powered light bulb that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of the USA using that nuked light bulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.

A6: None. "According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist."

fix it!!!

Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

eternal engine.....

engineer logic

My brother-in-law, a pilot, related this incident between a fellow pilot and an engineer/mechanic at the airport. These two chaps were forever squabbling and trying to drive the other one nuts. The pilot once turned a plane in to the shop with a complaint that read "Unfamiliar noise from engine." The next day, the plane was ready for him. The engineer's logbook entry read "Ran engine continuously for four hours. Noise now familiar."

true engineer quote

Arguing with an engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig. After a few hours, you realize that he likes it.

programmer vs engineer

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leaned over to the Engineer and asked if he wanted to play a fun game. The Engineer just wanted to sleep so he politely declined, turned away and tried to sleep. The Programmer persisted and explained that it was a real easy game. He explained, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay. If you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

working hours for an engineer

A promising young NASA aerospace engineer was killed in a horrific car accident and arrived in Heaven, protesting to St. Peter at the pearly gates. "St. Peter, I'm only 35. I'm much too young to die. I have a wonderful wife and family, so much to live for. Why in the world am I here?"

St. Peter looked through a huge stack of papers, looked over the top of his glasses and said, "Well, according to all of these hours on your time sheets, you've got to be at least 108."

an engineer and the guillotine

They were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. So they release the drunkard as well.

The engineer is next. He too, decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says, "Hey, I think the problem is that the cable is binding right here ... "

mechanical engineers and civil engineers

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

When an engineer owns a dog-Funny!!!

Coming out of Retirement

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million-dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark ................. $1

Knowing where to put it ... $49,999

Optimist, pessimist and engineer

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Top 25 Engineering Terms and Expressions (What they say and what they really mean)

• Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

• The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

• We're trying a number of different approaches. (We still guessing, at this point.)

• We're following the standard. (We've always done it this way.)

• Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

• Years of development. (It finally worked.)

• Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

•  We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

• We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

• We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

• Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

• Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

• Please read and initial. (We want to spread around the responsibility.)

• Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

• Tell us your interpretation. (Let's hear your bull.)

• We'll look into it. (Forget it! We've got so many other problems already, we'll never get to it.)

• No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

• Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're no likely able to fix it.)

• All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

• Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

• Robust. (More than rugged.)

• Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

• Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

• I haven't gotten your email. (It's been days since I've checked my email.)